When I write these blogs I try not to be too pessimistic. But today I am feeling the weight. Redjeb continues to be confused most of the time, not really understanding or remembering why he is in the hospital nor his injuries, nor what they are doing to him. I understand that last eve he tore the feeding tube out of his nose. This is serious as he cannot swallow without aspirating some into his lungs. The doctor tried to put the tube back last eve and today, but today he ripped it out again.
One might say well maybe he is telling us something...I almost wish so, but I do believe it is his confusion and discomfort. In the midst of trying to reinsert the tube today, the nurses were telling him that if he were to go home with me he needed to be strong etc. He heard go home with me and his eyes lit up, and he asked if I had brought him a clean shirt. This touched my heart. I assured him that indeed I had clean clothes for him in the car, but he was not yet ready to go home. He looked incredulous.
He also asked what to give the nurses for a gift, they have been so caring.
He continues to ask for chocolate ice cream, not understanding why he can't have any. He is not allowed ice cream, because when it melts in your mouth it turns to water and he might aspirate that, and aspirate into the lungs is something he has done. I try to explain but to no avail. He is used to eating ice cream and Ensure when having his usual eating problems. But this is different. The doctor decided to think "outside the box" and allowed chocolate milk over ice, that was served on a little sponge on a stick that he could suck on. He seemed satisfied but not overly, as of course it was not Haagen Das.
Although I can understand much of what he says now, he has an enormous amount of congestion from the lung infection that interferes with his breathing, nutrition, and speech...and of course there is the trach. I am touched by these glimpses of Redjeb as he used to be, but it is not clear that he will ever be that person again. I am deeply saddened by this.
On a positive side he is getting somewhat physically stronger. They moved him to sit up in the recliner chair today and when it was time for him to go back to the bed, he fought off the three nurses. At first they didn't understand, but then it became clear that what he wanted was to stand up himself and move himself in that direction (with a little help but not much). A first.
A weekend is coming. The hospital seems to go to sleep. And I need to sleep. Didn't sleep as well last eve as I had expected. I will awake tomorrow to this alternate universe in which I am living....and Redjeb too.
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